"You Only Live Once" video still; The Strokes

Your own personal jesus


Saturday, July 30, 2005

caring is creepy

Javi is CUTE. & "Voulez-vouz coucher avec moic ce soir?"

"haha icant sleep , so if any girl can come over to my house rite now i would greattttly appreciate it. I sleep a lottt better when im holding someone, so COME ON Over . Ouuuuu I Love Black METAL!!" -javi

.........

ok i lost my wallet. this is very depressing. it had money in it. i could care less about the money. more importantly, there was a picture of my hotass heros, the backstreet boys, in it, and now its lost. i am dying. someone please come over and help me find the damn thing!

.........

and i finally watched moulin rouge due to ryan's pleading and promising that i would love it. and good for him i did. last night i could not go to sleep at all. so around 12 am ish i just got up and went to my computer and stuck in the Moulin Rouge Dvd i've had from him this whole summer. it didnt help me sleep any better but i enjoyed watching it until like, 3 in the morning. i love living the night life (speaking of the moulin rouge.. LoL). ewan mcgregor was wonderful. i was getting really nervous during the opening night scene where the duke was about to shoot christian, but then harold popped up and punched him. i actually said, thank god for harold. ha even though he was a pimp. the movie was really good. it was colorful but not showy, like in a tawdry sense... . it was sad but not a tragedy. it was well, sexy, but not raunchy. it was romantic but not unrealistically CHEESY! (i hate those movies). god that movie was great.

then i still couldn't sleep so i stayed on and surfed peoples myspaces. for some reason a weird parody song to southasian fobs popped up everytime i opened someones space. very disturbing. listening to that while listening to the mariah carey songs keith kept sending me (thank you very much however) got very... cacophonious and also just plain creepy. so then after IMing no one because no one was there to save me from insomnia... well haha someone was but he wasnt responding, quite alright because i understand no one's world revolves around me, especially at 4 in the morning. i decided to go to sleep.

..

i just lay there thinking about if maybe I would sleep better if I were holding someone. then i realized that probably all the moulin rouge "love" this "love" that was getting to me... especially having watched the Wedding Planner earlier that evening. (a corny and unrealistically cheesy movie).

..

i would like to confess. i would love to love like that. for right now all i do is love as a friend, a sister, a daughter. and yes that is love all the same, because even then it is rare, and when i love someone its not a joke.. even though i make it seem like that when i say it (because i dont want to scare anyone or make them have to believe i love them if they dont want to believe it... i'm much too considerate when it comes to this matter. meh.) but thats the thing. love in that romantic way just DOES seem like a joke.

i would like to meet my own Christian that would give me the love to "lift us up where we belong," and make me believe that we belonged there. in love. forever.

how creepy.

"caring is creepy" -the shins

Currently listening :
Oh, Inverted World
By The Shins
Release date: 19 June, 2001

You'll Never Go Over

Current mood: like i can fly
Saturday, July 30, 2005

You'll Never Go Over

Today my brother and i went to the park. it was amazing. we rode swings, which i hadnt done really since a very long time. i was just laughing and we were talking and we were swinging higher and higher and higher! my brother kept saying i was getting too high and that i was gonna go over... but i told him that i knew that was impossible. and he said yeah it was... but its fun to say that. and i agree. i like going higher and higher and believing that wow i'm so high i just might go over.

there was a family with two little kids that were sitting in the sand right in front of us as we swung. i could tell we were making the parents very nervous ... omg two rowdy high schoolers on swings with very very spasmodic feet.....

haha that was funny. at first we were swinging but then we started doing weird variations. like on our way up we'd start kicking and itd look like we were running up the air. and then sometimes on our way up we'd just click our feet together a few times ... just for laughs. my brother liked shaking his legs on the way up uncontrollably in the air like they were spasming out (i think that was the most freaky to the kids' parents muahaha), and then my personal favorite, on your way up, or on your way down, you just cross your feet.. and close your eyes.. and you feel like you have totally lost your balance. i know. it is SO WEIRD. but its fun.

i hadn't ridden swings in a million years. it was so much fun, and so memorable. my hair was loose and just going crazy. sometimes i'd see a lock of it flap in front of my face and it'd be all curled and i just felt like a kid again. i know i'm a kid now but its different. its harder now. but i just saw my crazy curls and i just imagined a little 6 year old girl with wild hair and not a single care. (my hair was actually straight and tame when i was 6 but hey i can imagine.) so there we were, on our swings, moving our feet spasmodically while laughing at eachother and yelling out that we were going to go over while i was wearing some ugly sweats and sporting my crazy hair, and there were a bunch of people there... and i just didn't really care. it was my brother and me and we were having fun, the way fun should be. without a care.

i wish that i had had a camera with me... but at the same time i dont care because i think i'll remember this random moment forever. i once told my friend that he hadnt ever signed my yearbook, he replied that he doesnt intend to either. he was kidding, but surprisingly, his answer hadn't phased me. i know i'm going to remember him forever even if he doesnt sign anything of mine ever. some things and some people are that special, that memorable. this swing riding moment was kind of like that.

Currently listening :
Take Me Out
By Franz Ferdinand
Release date: 13 January, 2004

Friday, July 29, 2005

A More Thorough Art

Once again I have started writing a poem, and as usual, I have started it from the middle. Try as i might to restructure this poem by creating a beginning sentence, I find that that first sentence begins to set a different tone than what I'm trying to say. And though i end up writing a poem about my desired topic, the initial feeling which is captured in the random "middle sentences" that i jot down on the spur of emotion, is lost. The entire dynamic of the original poem is lost all with a beginning sentence that doesnt fit. Like my friend Alex always says, getting started is the hard part. I think she means, finding the beginning is the hard part.

With this tiring process of constructing a fully illustrative poem, I've recently come to realize what it really is to write a poem. All that we learn in school about why this poet chose to use this word instead of that one, or why the stress is iambic instead of trochaic, or why there is a repetetive "sh" sound or "lol" sound, that all makes sense now. No really, it does. I used to think all that, the diction, the meter, to form, the blah blah... had everthing to do with sheer coincidence. Why would someone so articulately plan their thoughts? Muahaha i was wrong.

I found that out while trying to construct ( and i say that instead of "write" because it really does consist of more than merely sticking your pen on your pape.) my most recent poem. While "writing", i was actually making deliberate choices for the sake of the poem and what it was supposed to be. For instances, I actually decided to use "a sorry hormonal release" instead of " a temporary hormonal letgo", because the latter had too many syllables. The interjecting stresses actually contrasted with the image I was trying to portray. and "letgo" muddled the tone. and i thought and have been thinking forever about how "an empty hormonal letgo" would affect the dynamic of the poem... and if the consonance of the r sound in "sorry hormonal release" is actually what i want...! Strangely enough, I find it was actually a deliberate choice i made to NOT use the words "she", as an attempt to erase the ecumenicality of the theme, and portray the poem as my personal opinion. There was actually thought there, about not using "she" and having a reference to "Romeo" instead of lovers. Each detail and nondetail was deliberate. Who would have thought it.

Miss Emily Dickinson, I finally have begun to understand you.

And now here is the baby poemling. : remember, i havent found the poems beginning yet.. you can help me with that. and so far... i havent put nearly as much thought into this as i have said i did..because i do not like the poem yet. hah.

What she wants is something more
than a sorry (or should i say "an empty") hormonal release
It'd rather be a conversation
composed of depth and true emotion
With the emergence of tongue not adventitious
but more to serve as melodic punctuation
It'd rather to not be a talk, that two talk everyday
but when spoken, in much more florid terms
with words even Romeo could never say
.........................

I'm thinking on it.

.........................

Friday, July 15, 2005

A Heart Attack, A Sinking Ship, & A Few Good Revelations

A few entries ago, i was being the spoiled brat that i am and complaining about how bad a summer i was having, judging from how i absolutely had gone nowhere and done nothing and seen noone. Well, i guess sooner or later i had to learn what a REAL bad summer was.

On Saturday, my mom told me she and my dad would be dropping me off at my best friend's house to sleepover. I laugh more with her than when i'm with any other person, and she says that i always make her just feel GOOD, so i had a good feeling that after heartily complaining about a lousy summer, things were finally starting to look up.

Things were going well. Going great actually. Again as always, i laughed more with her than i ever do, and together we mastered all three dance sets during the dance-off in White Chicks due to my nagging.

Around nighttime my mom called and said that they had just been at the hospital because my dad hadn't been feeling well. I found out later that they had returned home because he started feeling better and the nurses said he'd be fine. (they were wrong... read on.)

After that my friend and i watched Titanic, it was my first time, until 2:30 am. I liked it a lot, and i cried once, when jack was telling rose, "you're so stupid rose! so stupid!" i dont know why. actually i do. there was some sentimentality in those lines that i just understood. and it got me. i thought it was funny, the first time rose jumped off a lifeboat back onto the sinking ship, my friend cries out, "i dont want to believe in love anymore! i'd rather be selfish!" and of course she's bawling at the same time. i reply, "isn't that what i'm always telling all of you? love sucks." and then, that scene where i cried, my friend says, "i take back what i said! i want love like that..." and i just start crying and reply, "not me."

it was also kind of funny/amusing when she said that it didnt hit her (the movie didnt) when she watched it and was around nine years old and in the fourth grade. but now, watching it again she was able to have the courtesy to understand its magnitude and of course, cry. "there were like thousands of people dying!..." "why are you laughing samiah!!" i dunno why i laugh. it was just cute how she realized that. i understand now that it is important to realize what is shown to you before you are unfortunate enough to experience it for yourself. i didnt before, but something happened the very next day to change that for me.

that was all saturday. sunday came around, we did what best friends do, and then i heard from my mom that they were back at the hospital because my dad had started having chest pains again along with a lot of other abnormal occurences, so he was in the emergency room, and thats where my friend's mom and dad would be dropping me back off. fine. what happened next was unthinkable for me. unreal.

me, my best friend, her mom and dad, we walk up to the hospital and wait a while for my mom to come get me. my friend's dad is thinking over whether to enter through the main door or the emergency entrance, when i see my mom coming through the emergency entrance with my brother. we go towards her, she starts crying, and says, "He's had a heart attack.."

i just kind of stand there, and my mom is crying onto my shoulder with my friend on my other shoulder kind of holding me and her mom holding me and my mom both, my brother a step behind us silently tearing and my friends dad trying to get us together. after his urging we head to the emergency waiting room, while i'm crying the whole way down. we all sit in the waiting room, my mom explaining everything thats happened to my friend's mom and dad. (family friends). after a while the nurse comes in and says two can go in. i'm not let in because of those who go in to visit, it shouldn't be "someone who's so upset". understandable. so i'm in there. and thats all i want to talk about for now.

over the last couple of days i remember feeling scared, for a real reason for the first time in my life. i also remember feeling stupid, just because i never thought it would happen to me, to my father, and it did. and i remember feeling very faithful, because i kept praying and praying to God, because in the end thats the only thing there is to do. even in the beginning its what there is to do. i also remember feeling supported, with a support i never knew that existed.

i belong to a society. a society of bangladeshi-americans. we're all friends, and deep as many of my friendships go, i guess a part of me always felt like it was in a way very superficial, not my personal friendships, but this society. Dinner parties, festivities, AABEA functions, dinner parties, dinner parties, dinner parties. You hear kids always complaining about gossipy women, the competition, having to be polite and nice, following all the customary rules or else you will look bad and make ur family look bad too, and boys that are confused into thinking they're ballers and what not. whenever i'd hear this i'd say, "its not just the bengalis you know, its everywhere." Yet even though i brushed it off, the superficiality and nuances, knowing that there was a lot more to us, our society, that was better, inside i think i still felt that there was something superficial, as if under the fun and friendships each family were disconnected. when we were together we were smiley happy and together, but when we were apart, we were just that, apart. separate. in our own worlds that no one else knew about. so together, we were just, superficial.

i dont think that anymore.

how could i possibly think that these relationships that i had been seeing and experiencing since the day i was born were superficial, when the moment the news broke almost every day my dad was paid at least a billion visits from more than a dozen visitors? and when we received a billion more phone calls on our answering machine? towards the later days of his stay at the hospital the nurses had to start kicking people out because they felt my dad was talking too much, getting exerted by all these visitors, and that we were all being a ruckus to the neighboring patients. and these guests werent just visiting either. they were cooking for us, taking care of my brother and me, even arguing with the hospital about their slow service. (everything turned out ok, dont worry.) there was no end to the support we were receiving, and i realized that i wasn't just part of some society. all the glitz and glamour of friendly smiles, good food, and fancy clothes were the only so-called "superficial" part. We, the people, the meat of the society, weren't. we weren't disconnected under the surface at all, we were more connected. i realized that i wasn't just part of some "society". no, i was part of some sort of unexplainable and wonderful family, created by decades of friendships of our fathers and mothers, linked by common culture and compassion. and i was thankful that i was part of this, that i am part of this. next time at a dinner party i plan not to slink by the table with all the older women, hoping they wont notice me, that i wont have to answer questions about my dress or how i'm doing in school. next time i think i'll walk up to each auntie and just give them the light of day that i understand we want to give eachother from the very start.

all this time i was staying at my aunt and uncle's house. during this whole ordeal i also learned a lot about what a blood relationship really means as well. i wont get into that now though.

they live in an apartment, no dish network, no dsl. when i came home today i actually hugged a couple of doorways in my house. i really hugged my house.

i will now pay a tribute to my brother. he played a big role in my experience and leaving him out or mentioning him only once at the end would not do him any justice. during this whole long ordeal, i really had no one but hi.and i dont think he had anyone but me. yeah, we had our mom and our uncle and our aunt and our pals, but our relationship is different. i feel it changing for the better as we both get older and realize maturity, but i think we did great during this whole thing. it would have been hell without him. he vented to me about how our aunt talks too much, let me vent back, sat with me and i sat with him, played cards with him and he played cards with me, walked down the long halls with me and i went up the elevators with him. lent my harry potter book to him and i didnt want anything in return. one day i'll need someone and he's going to be there. and if he ever needs anything, ever, i dont think i even need to say it.

my dad came home today. he's doing great. he has to, he's my hero. he's everyone's hero. he came home, so now we could come home.

i came home more thankful than ever in my life today. i wasn't just thankful for my big screen tv, my dsl, my dish network, and my one story house like i usually feel thankful for after a weekend of camping with my absolutely wonderful bengali family friends. this time i was thankful for God, for doctors, for angioplasty, for my friends, for our "bengali backup" (a loving nickname i just gave to our absolutely wonderful bengali family friends that prayed for us and cared for us and called and visited and just....make me so thankful), for my brother whom i absolutely adore and would have been bored to death without and really is my best friend for life as i understand it now, for family, for where i am, and for who i'm with. and of course, i'm thankful for my dad.

Thursday, July 7, 2005

The True Lincoln: The Master of the Game

The True Lincoln
The Master of the Game


When he arrived in Washington he didn't have much political experience, but Lincoln had emotional strengths that made him a natural
By DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN

Jul. 4, 2005

Lincoln's political resume was meager, his learning derided, and his election considered a stroke of luck. And yet the prairie lawyer from Springfield would emerge the undisputed captain of his distinguished Cabinet, earning the respect of colleagues who had originally disdained him, and become, as Whitman wrote, "the grandest figure yet, on all the crowded canvas of the Nineteenth Century."

As it turned out, unbeknownst to the country at the time, Lincoln was a towering political genius--not because he had mastered the traditional rules of the game, but because he possessed a remarkable array of emotional strengths that are rarely found in political life. He had what we would call today a first-class emotional intelligence.

To appreciate the magnitude of Lincoln's political success, it helps to understand just how slight a figure he appeared to be when he arrived in Washington. "Never did a President enter upon office with less means at his command," Harvard professor James Russell Lowell wrote in 1863. "All that was known of him was that he was a good stump-speaker, nominated for his availability--that is, because he had no history." His entire national political experience consisted of a single term in Congress that had come to an end nearly a dozen years earlier and two failed Senate races. He had absolutely no administrative experience and only one year of formal schooling. Newspapers described him as "a third-rate Western lawyer" and a "fourth-rate lecturer, who cannot speak good grammar."

In contrast, his three chief rivals for the Republican nomination were household names in Republican circles. William Henry Seward had been a celebrated Senator from New York for more than a decade and Governor of his state for two terms before he went to Washington. Ohio's Salmon P. Chase, too, had been both Senator and Governor, and had played a central role in the formation of the Republican Party. Edward Bates was a widely respected elder statesman from Missouri, a former Congressman whose opinions on national matters were still widely sought. All three men, knowing they were better educated, more experienced and more qualified than Lincoln, were stunned when he received the Republican nomination and went on to win the election.

Then he, in turn, stunned the political world by putting all three of his rivals into his Cabinet. It was a seemingly dangerous act, since it risked building up a potential opponent in the next election and ensured that he would be seen by many as a mere figurehead. His opponents were certain that he had failed this first test of leadership. "The construction of a Cabinet," one critical editorial suggested, "like the courting of a shrewd girl, belongs to a branch of the fine arts with which the new Executive is not acquainted. There are certain little tricks which go far beyond the arts familiar to the stump, and the cross-road tavern, whose comprehension requires a delicacy of thought and subtlety of perception, secured only by experience."

In fact, it was a subtlety of perception about what he needed, and a deep emotional strength, that lay behind Lincoln's move. As his secretary, John Nicolay, later wrote, Lincoln's "first decision was one of great courage and self-reliance." A less confident man might have surrounded himself with personal supporters who would never question his authority. Later Lincoln was asked why had chosen his chief rivals for his official family, knowing each of them was still smarting from his loss. Lincoln's answer was simple and shrewd: "We needed the strongest men of the party in the Cabinet. We needed to hold our own people together. I had looked the party over and concluded that these were the very strongest men. Then I had no right to deprive the country of their service."

The decision to appoint his political enemies to his Cabinet was perhaps the most obvious example of his emotional strength. But there were many others, all of which highlighted a different aspect of it.

EMPATHY

Perhaps the most important of his emotional abilities was empathy--the gift of putting himself in the place of others, to experience what they were feeling, to understand their motives and desires. Even as a child, he was uncommonly tender-hearted. He once stopped and tracked back half a mile to rescue a pig caught in a mire--not because he loved the pig, recollected a friend, "just to take a pain out of his own mind." As a young member of the state legislature, he was known for his insight into the opposition's strategy. Even after leaving the body, he would be called upon by his Whig colleagues not only to predict the moves that their Democratic opponents were likely to take, but to spell out the countermeasures needed to block them.

Unusual among antislavery orators in the 1850s, Lincoln sought to comprehend the Southerners' position through empathy rather than castigate slave owners as corrupt and un-Christian men. He argued, "They are just what we would be in their situation. If slavery did not now exist amongst them, they would not introduce it. If it did now exist amongst us, we should not instantly give it up." It was useless, he explained in another address, to employ "thundering tones of anathema and denunciation," for denunciation would be met by denunciation, "anathema with anathema."

Far better, he believed, to reach into the heart of one's opponents--which, of course, he memorably did in his second Inaugural when he suggested that the sin of slavery was shared by North and South. "Both read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes His aid against the other ... let us judge not that we be not judged." In the largest sense, Lincoln's empathy allowed him to absorb the sorrows and hopes of his countrymen, to sense their shifting moods so he could shape and mold their opinion with the right words and the right deeds at the right time.

HUMOR

Though a strain of melancholy was part of his nature, Lincoln possessed a remarkable sense of humor and a gift for storytelling that allowed him, time and again, to defuse tensions and relax his colleagues at difficult moments. Many of his stories, taken from his seemingly limitless stock, were directly applicable to a point being argued. Many were self-deprecatory, all were hilarious. When he began one of them, his "eyes would sparkle with fun," one old-timer remembered, "and when he reached the point in his narrative which invariably evoked the laughter of the crowd, nobody's enjoyment was greater than his."

One of his favorite anecdotes, a Springfield friend recalled, sprang from the early days just after the Revolution. Shortly after the peace was signed, the story began, the Revolutionary War hero Ethan Allen "had occasion to visit England," where he was subjected to teasing banter. The British would make "fun of the Americans and General Washington in particular and one day they got a picture of General Washington" and displayed it prominently in the outhouse so Allen could not miss it. When he made no mention of it, they finally asked him if he had seen the Washington picture. Allen said "he thought that it was a very appropriate [place] for an Englishman to keep it ... Why they asked, for said Mr. Allen there is nothing that will make an Englishman s___ so quick as the sight of Genl Washington."

But Lincoln's stories provided more than mere amusement. Drawn from his own experiences and the curiosities reported by others, they frequently conveyed practical wisdom that his listeners could remember and repeat. For instance, when the Civil War was coming to an end and the debate began over what to do with the rebel leaders, Lincoln wished they could somehow "escape the country," even though he could not say this publicly. "As usual," General William Sherman recalled, "he illustrated his meaning by a story: 'A man once had taken the total-abstinence pledge. When visiting a friend, he was invited to take a drink, but declined, on the score of his pledge ... his friend suggested lemonade, which was accepted. In preparing the lemonade, the friend pointed to the brandy-bottle, and said the lemonade would be more palatable if he were to pour in a little brandy; when his guest said, if he could do so 'unbeknown' to him, he would not object." Sherman grasped the point immediately. "Mr. Lincoln wanted [Jefferson] Davis to escape, 'unbeknown' to him."

MAGNANIMITY

He refused to bear grudges or pay people back for previous hurts. While his colleagues tended to let things fester and brooded over perceived slights, he argued that "no man resolved to make the most of himself has time to waste on personal contention." So rare in a politician, this attitude allowed him to form friendships and alliances with those who had previously opposed him. In the 1850s, Edwin Stanton had humiliated him when they were partners in a law case, referring to him as a "long-armed ape," refusing to deal with him as an equal, deliberately shunning him at a hotel, never even opening the brief he had painstakingly prepared. Yet, when the time came for Lincoln to replace Simon Cameron, his first Secretary of War, he appointed Stanton, believing him to be the best man for the all-important post. He recognized that the very qualities that had brought the hotheaded Stanton to treat him badly--his intensity, his bluntness, his determination to succeed--were precisely the qualities he needed in his War Secretary.

GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT

When Congress voted to censure Cameron for wasteful contracts given out to suppliers in the early days of the war, in which middlemen had made off with scandalous profits for unworkable pistols, for blind horses and for knapsacks that disintegrated in the rain, Lincoln publicly took the blame. He explained that the unfortunate contracts were part and parcel of the emergency situation that faced the government in those first days of the war. If fault was to be found, then he himself and his entire Cabinet "were at least equally responsible." For this, Cameron would be forever grateful. Similarly, colleagues of Lincoln were grateful when he shared credit for successes. When General Ulysses S. Grant, the hero of Vicksburg and Chattanooga, arrived in the nation's capital in March 1864 to take command of all the Union armies, he was greeted as a conquering hero at a White House reception. Standing to the side, Lincoln willingly ceded the place of honor he normally occupied, fully aware, as few other ambitious politicians would have been, that "the path to ambition" was wide enough, as an observer phrased it, for the two of them "to walk it abreast."

Above all, he was quick to concede error. When Grant was moving toward Vicksburg, Lincoln thought he "should go down the river," where he could meet up with General Nathaniel Banks. Instead, Grant decided to turn northward. "I feared it was a mistake," Lincoln acknowledged after Grant's spectacular victory. "I now wish to make the personal acknowledgment that you were right, and I was wrong." Then, to lessen the censure of another general, Lincoln wrote, "I frequently make mistakes myself, in the many things I am compelled to do hastily."

PERSPECTIVE

Lincoln's Secretary, John Hay, described the mental torture of waiting for an hour with Secretary of State Seward and Lincoln in George McClellan's house for the general to return from a wedding. When McClellan finally did come back, he simply passed the room in which the President was sitting; another half an hour went by before a servant informed Lincoln that McClellan had gone to bed. Young John Hay was enraged. "I wish here to record what I consider a portent of evil to come," he wrote in his diary as he recounted the story of what he considered an inexcusable "insolence of epaulettes." To Hay's surprise, Lincoln "seemed not to have noticed it specially, saying it was better at this time not to be making points of etiquette & personal dignity." Another story is told of the time when a Congressman had received Lincoln's authorization for something to be carried out by the War Department. When War Secretary Stanton refused to honor the order, the disappointed petitioner returned to Lincoln, telling him that Stanton had not only countermanded the order but had called the President a damn fool for issuing it. "Did Stanton say I was a damn fool?" Lincoln asked. "He did, sir, and repeated it." At which point, the President remarked, "If Stanton said I was a damn fool, then I must be one, for he is nearly always right and generally says what he means. I will step over and see him."

Perhaps the most memorable instance of Lincoln's ability to yield lesser concerns for more important ones related to Grant, whose weakness for alcohol may have contributed to his resignation from the Army in the 1850s. His return to the Army during the war, however, had been marked by a string of great successes before rumors of drinking problems began once again to surface in early 1863. After dispatching an investigator to look into Grant's behavior in the field, Lincoln concluded that Grant's drinking did not affect his unmatched ability to plan, execute and win battles. When a delegation brought further complaints about Grant's drinking to the President, he told them that if he could find the brand of whiskey Grant used, he would distribute it at once to the rest of his generals.

SELF-CONTROL

When angry at someone, Lincoln would occasionally write a hot letter, but then would invariably put it aside until he had cooled down, at which point he no longer needed to send it. Lincoln had rarely been more "dejected and discouraged," as Secretary of the Navy Gideon Welles observed, than when he learned that General George Meade had allowed Robert E. Lee's army to escape after Gettysburg. In a frank letter to Meade, Lincoln acknowledged that he was "distressed immeasureably" by "the magnitude of the misfortune ... He was within your easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection with our other late successes, have ended the war. As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely." But Lincoln delayed sending it, knowing the great pain it would cause the general, until his emotions settled down. And when they did, he placed the letter in an envelope on which he wrote, "To Gen. Meade, never sent, or signed."

To be sure, there were times when Lincoln lost his temper, but then he would promptly follow up with a kind gesture. "I was a little cross," he wrote one of his generals, "I ask pardon. If I do get up a little temper I have no sufficient time to keep it up." By such gestures, repeated again and again, he repaired injured feelings that might have escalated into lasting animosity.

A SENSE OF BALANCE

In contrast to most of his colleagues who worked themselves to the point of exhaustion, Lincoln understood the importance of finding ways to relax. In the evenings, he regularly entertained friends by reading aloud from Shakespeare, sharing a favorite poem or telling a few of his inexhaustible stories. His ability to think creatively and retain an even keel was rooted in the constructive ways he would dispel worry and anxiety. In the most difficult moments of his presidency, nothing brought him more refreshment and repose than immersing himself in a play. The manager of Grover's Theatre in Washington estimated that Lincoln had come "more than a hundred times" during his presidency. During a performance of Henry IV, one of his assistants observed, "He has forgotten the war. He has forgotten Congress. He is out of politics. He is living in Prince Hal's time."

A SOCIAL CONSCIENCE

Lincoln's ambition was never simply for office or power, but rather to accomplish something worthy that would stand the test of time, that would allow his story to be told after he died. "Every man is said to have his peculiar ambition," he told the voters of Sangamon County when he announced his candidacy for the Illinois state legislature at the age of 23. "I have no other so great as that of being truly esteemed of my fellow men, by rendering myself worthy of their esteem." He acknowledged that he was "young and unknown to many," that he had been born in humble circumstances and had "no wealthy or popular relations" to stand up for him, but he promised that if elected, he would "be unremitting" in his efforts "to compensate." Should he lose, he confessed, he had "been too familiar with disappointments to be very much chagrined." Not surprisingly, when the votes were tallied, the little-known Lincoln found that he had been defeated.

Lincoln never lost heart. His spacious ambition propelled him forward--through his laborious efforts to educate himself, his willingness to try again to reach the state legislature, the death of his first love, Ann Rutledge, and his incapacitating depression during the winter of 1841, when he was in his early 30s. His decision to break off his engagement to Mary Todd had left him devastated, not only because he had hurt Mary but also because he had long considered his ability to keep his word "as the only, or at least the chief, gem of [his] character." Now he could no longer trust himself in that regard.

His biggest political project had fallen apart during this same period. Throughout what eventually turned out to be four terms in the state legislature, he had championed government support for a series of public works to construct bridges, roads and canals so that people in rural areas could bring produce to market. He believed, he later said, that the "leading object" of government was to "lift artificial weights from all shoulders--to clear the path of laudable pursuit for all--to afford all, an unfettered start, and a fair chance, in the race of life." When a depression hit the state in the late 1830s, however, his plans were stopped in midstream. As a major proponent of the costly system that had contributed to his state's travails, Lincoln received a significant share of the blame. Now, beyond sadness over a lost love, he carried the added burden of a damaged reputation and forlorn hopes for the future.

"I am now the most miserable man living," he wrote a friend at the time. "If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me."

His friends were worried that he was suicidal and removed all razors and knives from his room. Throughout the nadir of Lincoln's depression, his best friend, Joshua Speed, stayed by his side. In a conversation both men would remember as long as they lived, Speed warned Lincoln that if he did not rally, he would most certainly die. Lincoln replied that he was more than willing to die, but that he had "done nothing to make any human being remember that he had lived," and that "to link his name with something that would redound to the interest of his fellow man was what he desired to live for."

Even in this moment of despair, the strength of Lincoln's desire to leave "the world a little better for my having lived in it" carried him forward. It became his lodestar, providing a set of principles and standards to guide his everyday actions.

Not long after he signed the Emancipation Proclamation, his old friend, Speed, visited him at the White House. Lincoln reminded him of their talks during his depression two decades earlier. "I believe that in this measure," Lincoln said, referring to the proclamation, "my fondest hopes will be realized." Nearly two centuries after his birth, we can say with certainty that the ambition that powered Lincoln from his earliest days--the desire to establish an admirable reputation on earth so that his story could be told after he died--has been realized far beyond his fondest hopes.

Goodwin's book on the political genius of Abraham Lincoln is to be published in October by Simon & Schuster