my rebuttal to ray

On Saturday, August 26, 2006, my friend Rayek stated in his most recent blog ...


"And I also must say that no person is the one..Most of us are compatible with quite a few ppl out there. Which is why I gotta say, if shit happens, move along yo. Thats just the way it is sumtimes."


agree and DISAGREE.

so here.

this is actually straight out of my journal/diary. so it is my very true and unplanned raw thought.

ok here it is.

sometime in April 2006...

"
I don't usually think about stuff like, who "he's" gonna be and whatnot. But today i decided to. And i thought, let's just say one day I found someone something like i figured i wanted (in a guy).

Well then, if for some reason i didn't end up with him, it'd be okay right? I mean, if there was one like him, there should be at least one more.

and then i thought,

not necessarily.

There's only one me.

There's only one alex.

one ryan.

one anna.

one RAAAYYYEEKK (haha okay i added this line it wasnt in the original entry) =P

one... i only know of ones. because there is only one of anyone.

So

If I do come across someone even in the slightest,

I should probably hold on to him,
the only one of his kind.

"
whatever his kind may be.

you should too

so thats that ray.

and then my entry continues into the typical samiah conclusion, the easygoing overgeneralization that makes it all okay in the end
hahah asfjaslf jasljf

"But. I love easily. So it's not like I'm looking for one specific "type". Because i'm not. ambitious maybe. that helps.

anyway this is why my mom is doing this for me. hahaha.

"yeahh sure thats what you say nowww, lo..." -every one of samiah's friends.

we'll see.

(happy/content face)

"

-lo ling.

...because the remedy

"flow"
or is it called "scatting"
because i really dont know how to spell "baddup badoobadoo, lalalala, mamase mamase mamakusa..." haha which is what im listening to at the moment. its one tab over on mozilla, next to the one i have open to "myspace.com", the youtube video that i've been watching. jason mraz. eight minutes and thirty one seconds. its still playing.... "mamase mamase mamakusa"

this guy is crazy. you know crazy? like gooood crazy. i really want to say he's crazy like how i am crazy. but i think its just very obnoxious of me to think that i could be as crazy/cool as this guy is.

i am home and i need to be studying for my math midterm and rewriting a paper asking me to include "the state of nature" which i clearly didnt include the first time around for a reason. because i dont know how. and once again, i STILL don't know. -_-

there are certain things that i always have with me.
my jouuurnal would be one of those things. every time i go home, i bring it with me. and then i bring it back to ucla with me. i havent written in it in a long time. i miss him and he misses me. one time i told my friend that i realize how these days people's computers are like boxes that contain a significant amount of their life. your life in a box. you know, music, photos, papers, whatever. lots of things. of course not everything. if your whole life could be put into a box, i'm not sure. would i be very sorry for you or very envious of you? either way its an extreme i'd rather not get into. and i digress...
well my life is almost compressed into my journal. which has a name. which i cannot disclose to you unless i love you.
its like my soul resides in that thing. almost. i am being so vague.

i have another journal type book thing. its not as pretty as the one that carries my soul haha. its those black composition books you can probably buy for 65 cents at say, big lots. not that it makes that journal any less important.

i dunno why but it feels very weird for me to say that i write, or well, i used to write a lot of poems and songs and things of that nature. if you couldn't tell from all the times i posted them haha. not only ones by me but other more important poets. and songs. big fan.

i havent exactly stopped haha, i dont think any of the people that start something like this, stop. hmmm if you were to look through any of my notes, from math from chem from history of modern thought (yeah the stupid class in which i do not understand what state of nature is and therefore cannot write a betterthandecent paper for.... !!), i think you would find that i doodle a lot.

its not the picture doodling, lemme make a sketch of what my professor looks like today doodling, lol. although i used to do that too. its more that i always have songs stuck in my head and they always get doodled onto my notes. and i love having them there because say, right now when im studying for math, to the left of a delta-epsilon proof (yeah it is as ugly as it sounds.) it says, "like dough- dough i like- boys call me when they feel freaky hot" ... ahaha.. uffie -"pop the glock". fun song. look her up on myspace. (http://www.myspace.com/uffie) so i see that and it makes studying a liiiiiittttllleeeee more enjoyable.

i also write down lines that happen to cross my mind and sound good. you know. like. "the fly went by". hahah just kidding. i also write down stuff that makes me happy. i gave you the list in another blog. yeah. somewhere in my notes you can find all of those little thigns that made me happy. messier and shorter . i elaborate usually when im writing blogs that i want to be fully comprehensible and enjoyable. kind of like im not doing now..

other people say things and write them down too. apparently my math professor said that "there are a certain magical things that happen in 32B". haha that was really cute. oh well sucks for me, i miss the magic. no way am i taking 32b.

so. around tenth grade i was super into writing. well. i was super into writing songs in.. i think 8th grade because i really liked a boy and when you like people these things seem to become really easy. they are really funny and embarrassing songs. buuuut. they're entertaining in .. an embarrassing way i think. sarah has seen them. sarah told me they were good. she STILL says the stuff i write is good. sarah. you are a good friend. hahah.

okay okay.
so that black composition book. it says dont touch all over it and basically it has a bunch of stuff that i just WRITE in it. i used to bring that with me all the time too along with my other journal. but then i stopped.

so now you might be anticipating some poignant and symbolic revelation as to why i stopped bringing it.

no i dont really think there is one.

=P

the thing is, i bought that journal so i could start collecting my more "creative" thoughts into one place. but i realize it just doesnt happen like that. usually something will pop into my head when im somewhere without that book. so i'll have to write it on say, my agenda. which is okay. because then it makes looking through my agenda more fun too. hahah.
so now that book has kind of turned into a folder where i put my scraps of paper, that i havent lost, in.

scraps of paper all up in my room and post its with one liners that i really dont know what to do with. id like to collect them all one day and shove them into a song and see how it sounds and if maybe it means anything after that. sometimes i think thats what emily dickinson did. no one ever knows what the hell she is talking about.

i think i want to take the seminar about her next quarter.

so anyway. sometimes im serious and sometimes im not. but im always inspired. and i think that is what makes me a crazy person. but it hasnt really bothered anyone yet and i really hope it doesnt, because hey, maybe you are the one inspiring me. i would be very sorry if you were bothered.

so. first thing on my list of silly things i have been meaning to do but still havent gotten around to doing:

writing and ODE to CHARLES*.
charlie you are beautiful
charlie you are great
charlie you are an individual
but your purple shorts.. ashley hates
to look at
but i dont
because you pull them off
like you do with the bandana in your hair
that is golden and streaked to a lopsided bedheaded perfection and its LONG and thats maybe why i love it so much
but you are a spectacle in the least spectacle of ways
you are a natural you are a natural when it comes to making all my days
because you are you and i can spot you from more than a mile away
except that time you walked right by me and all rachel had to say
was
"samiah charlie just walked by you"
and that was enough to make my head flip a 180 in less than a nanosecond thatd even make tony hawk jealous. yeah in less than a nanosecond. or should i say picosecond because thats even smaller.
i know i dont want to be your girlfriend charlie actually i just want to be you
but no i dont because then you wouldnt be the only you the only charlie and that is why i like you so

hahaha
nooot gonna lie that is probably the best worst (or worst best) (or just worst) thing ihave written in my life! =D but it makes me happy. but it stinks especially because i didnt even talk about how charlie is just like this being that radiates with I AM ME and hell ya you know it AND THE SUN RISES FOR ME BUT I DONT KNOW IT BUT DAM IS THAT WHY MY HAIR ALWAYS LOOKS SO GOOD? and blah blah ok seriously. this guy that im talking about. he is INTENSE. he dosnt LOOK intense. he looks like, a hipster hahaha. but i can feel it. hes intense. i dont even know what to say about him that is how intense he is. but he must really know who he is man becuase he wore a red tank top with purple shorts once (i missed out, ashley informed me) and i mean, you have to know who you are if you are going to do that. im not saying you only know who you are if you do that. not what i meant at all. i dunno. charlie. hes not a guy i like or have a crush on. hes someone that greatly intrigues me because of how i feel like his presence is always so made known to me. to me? to everyone? i dont know. but im intrigued. charlie is just charlie and now i have to go back and change his name to something else because if he ever found this it would be quite embarrassing.

ok so thats enough about *CHARLES.



new topic.


When I fall in love I take my time
There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind
You can turn off the sun but I'm still gonna shine and I'll tell you why...



because my middle name is rowshan and that means bright/light.

hahaha.
!

those three lines have been the theme of my life this past week. i tell ya.


but i cant tell ya any more about it. except that the last time i felt like this was probably, 8th grade. =)

portrait d'un homme

"portrait d'un homme"



hair unkept

just past the chin

loose-knit beanie

with the urban striped print


smokes a 2 and 1/2 inch stub

of a wrinkled cigarette

as he plays the piano

an antique spinet


speaks with a slur

and the 2 and 1/2 inch stub

chuckles like a madman

but soft in every word


rings on his fingers

one nail painted black

whole life's history

tattooed on his back


eyes hold the oceans

tears don't fall

heart bigger than a fist

says it all



-samiah r. , 2004