breathe

you know sometimes, when you should be sleeping

you're really awake

and what you really want to be awake for is just to talk to someone

but you're too tired to really look at a screen
or type on a keyboard

because you know you just need the voice

i think that's what phones are for

call me

Baby come back to me

Lo Ling; watching "Life of Ryan" on mTV; 11:43 pm; on the laptop, on the floor, in our family room; still feeling relieved =)



I'd really like to be a blogger. I post things here and there when i feel like i really have something to share, but, maybe i should do it more often. about more things.

I just don't want to talk about things that don't matter. You know?

But. This is my personal blog and i'm gonna personally blog about whatever I want now. And you can tell me how amazingly crappy or amazingly good it is. I mean, it's just a blog. =)

So I'm gonna talk, and you said you want to listen. So if you're listening, I'm gonna talk!
=p





So last night my pal Rodeo (everyone on my blog is kept under pseudonyms. Because i love naming things. I think that's one of the best parts about getting pets.), sends me an IM to keep me aware of whats going on in the glittery world of celebreality, because everyone knows I don't do it on my own. (I seriously found out that Paris was in jail after she was already out. Maybe even for the second time. Or was it third? Haha okay maybe not, i mean c'mon it was even on CNN. =p ) Apparently naked pictures of Vanessa Anne Hudgens have been found floating around on the internet.

At first my thought was, it's probably just a fake. I mean the girl is only 18. Isn't that a little young to have naked pictures of yourself? (To be honest I think any living age is too young to have naked pictures of yourself, but speaking relatively... the girl barely turned legal.)

After those two quick seconds of inquiry, I quickly turned my thoughts away from this matter because it doesn't matter to me. I was kind of left with no opinion, no judgment on it. I liked it like that. That's her business and though it has chosen to involve much of the world with it, I'd rather not disrespect her or myself by delving into a matter that really has nothing to do with me or affect the way I live, or strangely enough, how I even think of Vanessa Hudgens because i've never had a strong opinion on her anyhow.

A few good hours later, I sent a hello AIM to another friend of mine, Hart. By this time I had really put the vanessa scandal behind me, which was easy to do given the little thought i had put into it.

Hart has always been a big fan of "baby v", and just out of conversation's sake, i asked her if she was still a fan. this had nothing to do with the news i had heard a couple hours earlier, because i really had forgotten about it. i was just asking because after watching HSM with two of my friends earlier that day, and then watching about 1/6 of HSM2 via tvlinks, I had decided I was a bigger Ashley Tisdale fan. Hart replied with yeah, she still was a vanessa hudgens fan, and that she felt really bad for her right now. ...Felt really bad for her? Why? Oh. that's right.

And then i remembered. Naked pictures.

I think that was then that it hit me how much it really SUCKED. You think I would have realized when i heard NUDE PICTURES the first time. Wow.
And it was finally, after hearing Hart say that she felt bad for her, that really, finally, gave me something back that i had started to miss without even realizing it. (i should probably tell you what that is now but i'll just let you read on. =p )

I really try to stay somewhat disconnected from that realm (called Hollywood) because i feel, well i feel a lot of ways about it. i don't want to be a puppet, manipulated by tabloids and influenced by lives so separate and surreal from mine and the people and things i REALLY care about. i also, don't want to put myself in a place where i feel it's okay to judge people that in their surrealism, are very real. I realize that by paying attention to tabloids and media and things of that nature, i, or anyone, can easily feel like they have that right to place judgment on these people. for example, i used to really really not like natalie portman. but looking back, what did i have to judge her on? a magazine article? a youtube video? how can anyone condense who they are and what theyve been through into THAT. an interview, a photo, a press conference.

i feel that, if you are a good person, it shouldn't be that hard to portray that anyway. but then again, portraying that you are a good person and portraying who you ARE can be very different. i think i'm digressing.

anyway. let me get back to what i was trying to say.

so, i don't want to put myself in a place where i feel it's okay to judge people that in their surrealism, are very real.

real, but different. they lead a different lifestyle and that's it and that's how i'd like to think of it. even the guy down the street could have a different lifestyle than mine, right? yeah.. but if something terrible were to happen to him, i'd still feel bad for him.

so in my attempt to build walls between me and celebrity, i guess i was forgetting that they were human. was i making them so different that i couldn't allow myself to even sympathize for them anymore?

Finally, last night, i snapped out of it.

And it was for the same reasons that i have attempted to remain oblivious to these tidbits of celebreality, trying to reduce celebrities to the regular people that they are, to not pass judgment on them the same way i wouldn't on you, that i FINALLY realized that its okay to feel something for them, to sympathize, because yes, they ARE regular people, and by regular people i mean human. and just like i would feel upset and sympathetic for you and your sister if nude pictures of her were to pop up all over the internet, i couldn't help but feel that way for vanessa now too.

I owe much of this realization, as i had started to say, to my friend who I am calling on here "Hart". And that's because she really is this big throbbing heart of a person. She said, that she felt really bad for vanessa. and that was like, it was like a lightbulb on my heart went on for vanessa and her incident, instead of the one in my head telling me to just block all that "media crap" out.

I acknowledged my sympathy for vanessa and it felt really good. at the same time, neither Hart nor i could refute that fact that what vanessa had done was wrong. (Vanessa's publicist released a statement saying the pictures were the real deal.)

It was wrong. And a mistake. And i'd like to give vanessa the benefit of the doubt and think that it's something of her past and that she is different now. i know i've made mistakes. nothing like that but, i think we all have something about us in the past that has very little to do with defining who we are now. i do believe that making the mistakes that we make and taking what we can learn from them play a strong part in who we become. but i don't believe that it's the mistakes themselves that define us.

I asked Hart though, not "how could anyone do something so blatantly wrong", but why. because there must have been a reason and i'd really like to understand why.

We have our own theories but in the end Hart and I decided that Vanessa was young, naive, and in the negative influence and of course, the realm of very poor judgment.

And so i sympathize. It was wrong. That's the truth. But i'm not going to call her a slut. Maybe she is. but like i said, i'm not going to judge her on one picture. even though its probably of her being a slut. (i haven't seen the picture i don't want to just out of respect and... decency. lol). But i am going to feel for her. because i'm a human being. and yeah. so is sheeeee.