Retrosexual
Returning to the office this morning in foul temper; not enough sleep on the overnight flight caused by not enough whisky. Anyway, ploughing through my inbox, this little ‘beauty’ just sort of jumped out at me. One or two of you might have already seen it … on the other hand, one or two of you (I suspect) might just like it …
“ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!
Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand And I
can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is
effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about
foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual,
bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and
purple-sexual...
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your arse, burp, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the Culture
Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "
The Code:
A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home,
or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself. A
Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you
live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and
drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.Women
have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant
& shaving gear - that's it!!
A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look
like he's shot himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If
wearing a hat, wear it correctly - not on the side. Blokes
& necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need
be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only
lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, & in the long
run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a
freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different
city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink
because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING
WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer
a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be
rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus
it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or
things that just need a little "wakin' up".
Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none
of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports
teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release
is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual
can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of
a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part,
or loss of major body part on your truck.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and / or a commuter train, & a
pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and
offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called
men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his
face.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies & habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset
the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a
serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking beer with the boys.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives & kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on
his truck --that would happen because of a "force of nature", & then the
Retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but
any elderly person.
Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the
process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!”
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