This looks promising

The past few nights my dreams have been "out of control" in the best of ways

I don't know why, I assume it has to do with how everybody keeps reminding me that I'm graduating, but recently my dreams have consisted of random people who I have known throughout gradeschool and beyond, just happening to BE THERE, in my dreams.

Last night in one of these dreams, I guy I once knew named Hani appeared. Of course, he brought his wonderfully ripped body with him. Now, I'm not a touchy-feely kind of person--

but I totally touched Hani. He had a six-pack of epic ab muscle just lying there in front of me and though I have never sexually touched a boy or a man and don't intend to until I have to, Hani's abs got it. I act like they got it but really, I got it-- the feel, the enjoyment, the utter satisfaction of just indulging in someone else's zillionth ab workout. I don't even remember what it felt like, if anything at all (do you even feel things in your dreams?) but just seeing myself running my hands on his abs was very satisfying. Weird, because it's Hani-- who I am the least bit attracted to-- but satisfying.



So anyway I woke up, and did some crunches.

Crunches? Why am I doing crunches-- Hani was the one with the abs...

Well, as obsessed as I was with Hani's abs, the obsession probably stemmed from my obsession with my own abs. But there's definitely something more to it.

I believe in self-sufficiency, sure, but there's also a part of me that's anticipating the day that I'll find my "other half" and we will live happily (for the most part) ever after, making decisions together, building a life together, etc. etc. So it only made sense to me that he would pick up where I left off... or never began. For example, if I had a knack for giving the wrong people too many chances, he'd be the one to judge you from the first impression, if I could never be on time, he'd be the punctual one, etc etc, like yin and yang making a perfectly well balanced whole.

For a while I thought like that. That everything I wasn't could be made up for by somebody else. One day however, I was talking to my friend Jayna, who was telling me about a Professor she knew at UCLA, Dr. Jain. Basically Dr. Jain was (and most surely still is) an amazing man with a Ph.D. in some sort of spectucular engineering, with patents and inventions to his name, along with an appreciation for the arts, culture, literature, etc etc etc etc etc and the list went on about how he was everything and everyone and good hearted and selfless and giving to boot and etc etc--

and I was just CRUSHED that he had just left his position as a Faculty-In-Residence and now I would never get the chance to meet such a man and be simultaneously floored and inspired.

For a while I sat there moping. Which I don't do very well. I'm a solutionist. A problem-solver. If there's an effect well there's a cause and the cause must have a solution. Well the issue at hand was that I was upset that I would not get to meet this person and be in the presence of his greatness. Why did I want to be in his presence? Why did I want to meet him? Well, mostly because I wanted to be him. Right? Truly. I think it was then that I decided, adamantly, that I would be the things that so admired in Dr. Jain. If I could be all those things, well then I wouldn't have to feel so upset with never having the chance to know him.

An extreme resolution, maybe. But a great excuse to be great. Not that you ever need any sort of excuse for such a scheme. ;)

Well on a sort of similar note, I decided that I didn't want to put such pressures on whoever I was just depending on to be the Yin to my Yang. He could be the Yin or the Yang. I, however, decided that I would be happiest being both. That way he could even be neither and I'd still be okay. So what if I feel like I give people too many chances? Well I'm not going to depend on my future partner-in-crime to tell me when to nip one in the bud. I've isolated my personal problem, and now I'm going to fix it. How about that Yin?

So. I got up from bed and did my sit-ups. Of course, a six-pack on my sig-o (significant other, you can refer to the Lo Ling Lexicon on the side panel ;P ) is desirable, but I'm not going to depend on him for that. And another thing, I simply feel better about expecting things from others when I can hold myself to accountable for these things as well. Must be the justice-inspired libra in me.

So I did my crunches, and resolved that although I say I don't care how my future husband LOOKS--


I totally care how he feels..


Hahaha

Things that came up today:

• a Cola float
• Nelly "#1" on Nellyville
• Jenny Lewis "Silver Lining"
• "Sex and the City 2" Trailer
• crunches