now that she's back

adf.




sigh.
i dont know why bad things happen.
my closest friend from childhood's brother, who is also one of my closest friend from childhood... no you dont understand, our parents went to college together... yeah.. that much childhood friend... got in an accident. wasn't even his fault. i dont know if i have the right to tell the story and even if i do i feel awkward which i hope is out of respect. but it was just his bare self that got hit... by a car! some retard car came and just, sigh, his leg has metal rods in it now because the bones suffered compound fractures. yeah. and i thank God every day now because he could have died. i feel an unexplainable terrible feeling saying and thinking that but its true. and i hope no one has to ever feel that.

there is someone else, very close to me, whose uncle died. this person is so close to me;well, they are in my family. one of their relatives just passed away. and people don't know how to tell him. i want to share this all in detail with you guys but i can't in some stupid old blog becuase im also superstitious and i feel like im jynxing things.

so im just going to stop. and leave out the other bad news becuase its summer and the sun is supposed to shine


i am praying.



life.



























to me life is about expectations. and crushing them.
meeting them and crushing them. i think most of the time they are crushed. but most of the time that's not a bad thing.

and im sure this isn't what i completely feel about life so dont quote me.






"dont take life seriously because you can't come out of it alive." -warren miller

yeah okay warren miller, dont take life seriously and you'll be coming out of it much more quickly than you expected.


i hope whoever is reading this, you all, whoever, know that im upset because of a plethora of things and for this reason i am being upset with warren miller.


sorry warren.





i'll be better in the morning.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

i'm on team thoreau. but i love emerson for this.












?Entonces, que es, de todos modos, lo que trae a dos personas juntas?
mi pregunta.

in the atmosphere

i like it all but the bold is what i'd liek to express more often.

guy: mm dada dom do do mm dada dom do do
nation: haha hot
nation: and you thought u coudlnt sing through aim
guy: ha
nation: lol
nation: where did u get ur super happy fun land
nation: it kind of looks like my secret nation
guy: you really have a secret nation?
guy: i was playing with webdings looking for the peace sign...and all these things popped up
guy: and it looked like something out of a video game
nation: ohh
nation: got it
nation: i do have a secret nation
nation: i jut
nation: *just
nation: havent found and conquered it yet
guy: oh i see
nation: and i woudlnt call it conquering
nation: just
nation: havent found and been elected as president yet
guy: will this election be truly democratic
nation: well
nation: it will be more of a caucus type vote
nation: which is democratic
nation: so
nation: yes
nation:
guy: me gone
guy: time to study
guy: grr
guy: later
nation: grr
nation: good luck boy
guy: luck has no place in life
nation: what does for you then
guy: luck was something cavemen invented
guy:
guy: uuum
nation: uhhuh so was love
guy: noooo
guy: love exists
guy: but like
guy: not relationships
nation: iiii
nation: dont know
guy: love between like brothers and friends and sisters
guy: and stuff
guy: you know
nation: yeah
nation: i dont think
guy: what ties the human race together
nation: its like
nation: "LOVE"
nation: love is way too abstract
nation: and abused
nation: theres definitely something
nation: good
nation: that ties us together
nation: especially between brother and sisters and mothers and fathers and friends
nation: and its like love
nation: but honestly i think its something better
guy: we need to invent a new term for this wonderful thing
nation: yeah i thought about that a long time ago
nation: but i like
nation: *i realized
nation: that i like it better
nation: not having a word
nation: because love probably used to be that word
nation: and look what happened
nation: maybe its better to just have it as a feeling
nation: that you keep inside
nation: yourself
nation: and no one can call it something
nation: and abuse it
guy: you are brilliant samiah=-O
guy: write it down if you haven't already
nation: noo
nation: lol thank you
guy: hahaa
nation: i never even said it to anyone
guy: i see
guy: clock ticking
guy: later!
nation: bye!
nation: thanks!
guy signed off at 10:44:52 PM.

two shoeboxes

This is really funny.

So I was cleaning my room. At first I thought to myself that I would get rid of all the clutter that my pack rat of a self has collected over the years. Maybe then I wouldn't have that much stuff to make a mess with anymore.

I started cleaning, and then started taking out the boxes and boxes of "stuff" that I had, in an attempt to empty them all out.

In one box, i found a little basket, made from pine needles and raffia... wow. That was from fourth grade. When we used to learn about the Native Americans, and the Gold Rush. Wow. And then i found a lanyard.. actually.. many, unfinished lanyards. Hmm.. those were from what, fifth grade? sixth grade? Sarah and I used to make them ALL the time through the summer. I guess if you asked her brother Omar, he'd say we were obsessed. I remember he'd walk into my room all the time and ask what we were doing. Too engulfed in our lanyard weaving... we'd just reply, "thiiiis!" And then he'd take a hint and leave us to our lanyards. I cant believe i still had these. I had no idea i still had these. So i kept emptying out the box. And then I found a bunch of rocks. rocks? ok.. i turned them over one by one, and to my pleasure i found that all the bobble eyes and fuzzy noses that i had hot glued onto them about six years ago were still on them. Wow... my whole Pet Rock family was still in tact. Six years later. Their little name labels were still on them too! Apparently I had named them the family Green. Probably because of the fuzzy green nose i had adhered to the "poppa" rock. Aww and i still had baby ROCKsanne. ahaha ew so clever even in the 6th grade...

i found a whoopee cushion from devika's .. what.. 13th birthday? We went to Chuck E CHeese. Why do i still have all this stuff? And then the case that the best friends for life necklace Monica had given me came in. Wow.. that was from.. so long ago. We aren't best friends anymore. And the necklace broke.

Then i found a whole box of middle school memorabilia. It had the "Mr. Rodine" sign that Mr. Rodine had hanging up in his room. 7th grade. That was the year we had him, and the year he decided to retire, and Katie Jurado started a petition to make him stay...which didn't work. and his son Dylan kissed me. hahaha and Katrina got semi jealous, and then katrina got to babysit him. and mr. rodine gave me that sign. I think Mr. Rodine was the first man i ever loved besides my father. I don't mean to be freaky but I really think i did. And i think that scared my mom. So she wouldn't let me email him. And now he wont respond to my emails anymore... five years later.
I even found the little buildings I had made for that damn space station project in eight grade. The one where I got my first D on a project. I actually started laughing when i picked those little things up... because I know that if we were given that same project to do now, we'd be able to bullshit it up in two nights and still get an A. You learn a lot in high school that you never even think of knowing in eight grade. I also found the little snowman pin that my homeroom teacher Mr. Black had given me and Lia Myung for decorating our class window for the holidays. And then i remembered how pissed off we were that we didn't win the competition. and then i remembered being in leadership and going around judging all those windows. We so should have won.

I found the little stuffed animals and samplers we had done in Mrs. McKee's sixth grade On My Own class. I loved that class, and I loved Mrs. McKee. She loved me too. I miss her and I want to visit her. I heard she was retiring. I really hope she didnt retire. I owe her a lot. Mrs. McKee was the first person to ever tell me to share in class. One time i got back an essay that i had written in that class, and her comment at the bottom was to see her. So i saw her. We ended up crying together. She said that I wrote very well, and the things I wrote were very insightful. She really wanted me to speak up with these things in class, that the class discussions needed me. I was ... I didn't know what to do when she told me that. What do you do? We cried together. I love Mrs. McKee even today. I will always remember that.

If you know me now, I speak up A LOT in class. And I don't just say anything either. And I have Mrs. McKee to thank. I wonder if she knows that.

Thinking of Mrs McKee leads me to think of Mr. Reutzel. He was another great man. I wonder how he'd feel knowing that I'm going to major in Biology.

I really hope they all remember me.

Going on, I found a bunch of fake money and coins... ahh.. memoirs from my brother and my daily trips to "ImagineLand" during the summers of our highly imaginative childhoods. Apparently... judging from my makeshift checkbooks from... i cant even tell what these things really are.. my name was "Mel Brooke Lia Ruize" and i was a ... Fashion Designer, Restaurant Owner, Publisher/Editor extraordinaire... and i also had a cooking show. I remember that now, i used to show people how to pour cereal every morning. Hahahaha. Wow. And I made four times the money my brother did. Oh the perks of being the older sibling. Apparently I had written up some Imagineland laws. I realize, I really was a clever little shiet back then. The last law of Imagineland was "10. Follow the laws."

Haha ew.

Ok. I found a Hunchback of Notre Dame coin purse that just blew me away. I bought this at the 99 cent store... before i even lived in diamond bar. That means... before even the third grade. Thats... more than eight years ago. It could even be a decade ago. I had never even used it.

So
At first I thought, should I put this in the give this away pile? And then I thought... wow... look at all of this. I had actually gone into this whole ordeal with the intention of throwing everything away.

Why would I ever do that. Just by looking through two shoeboxes of "stuff" and "junk".. i had gone through a time capsule of the last eight to ten years of my life. That's something.

I'm never throwing anything away again.

Well I guess i never did before.

I'm just reminding myself to never throw anything away again.

And suggesting to you the same...


So... in the pile of rubble. I found a letter to myself. We had written it freshman year in Ms. Canfield's english class. Now she is Mrs. Moskovitz. And she doesnt remember me. Even though she loved the final project Hayley and I did and had used it to decorate her room the year after. They were stick puppets of romeo and juliet with celebrities heads glued on. Ashton Kutcher was Romeo. I forget who Juliet was. Not important.

Anyway. I think I'll type the letter up here later. Its really funny how everything played out. And the letter was written on September 10. How strange to think that the day after, would become 9-11.

Hmmhh

Life.

i have an idea

(this was a comment orginally posted to anna)

i have an idea

im sharing it with you first, because, its an anna-samiah type of idea, like a million balloons type of idea.

we havent shared our ideas in a long time.




this idea, is about a book club i will start. its going to be a different kind of book club. its kind of like, a popcorn book club.
let me explain.


someone in the book club reads a book. and they use one color highlighter, and throughout the book, they highlight whatever they want to highlight, given that they have some purpose for highlighting whatever they're highlighting.

and then they pass that same book to someone else. and then using a different color, that person highlights whatever they want to highlight, for whatever reason, as long as they have a reason, to be highlighting.

and then that person passes the book to someone else in the book club. and so on.

and heres the catch.

the book club isn't preestablished. youre not a "member" just becuase you "sign-up". you become a member whenever you get a book passed to you. and anyone can pass it to anyone.
and they join the club.

and when there are no more different colors of highlighters, you can underline, with different colors, or cirlce. or even footnote. or even, post-it note.

and then the book is put in the secret clubhouse.

i'll figure out where that is later.

but any member of the club can go to that clubhouse, and look at the books, and see all the different lines that have affected different people.

and even when they're reading a book that has been passed to them, they can stop at a highlighted passage and wonder at who what when where and why it was highlighted.

you're allowed to rehighlight.

when there's really nothing left to cover,

another person decides to read a book... and he/she highlights...

and passes it...