breathe

you know sometimes, when you should be sleeping

you're really awake

and what you really want to be awake for is just to talk to someone

but you're too tired to really look at a screen
or type on a keyboard

because you know you just need the voice

i think that's what phones are for

call me

Baby come back to me

Lo Ling; watching "Life of Ryan" on mTV; 11:43 pm; on the laptop, on the floor, in our family room; still feeling relieved =)



I'd really like to be a blogger. I post things here and there when i feel like i really have something to share, but, maybe i should do it more often. about more things.

I just don't want to talk about things that don't matter. You know?

But. This is my personal blog and i'm gonna personally blog about whatever I want now. And you can tell me how amazingly crappy or amazingly good it is. I mean, it's just a blog. =)

So I'm gonna talk, and you said you want to listen. So if you're listening, I'm gonna talk!
=p





So last night my pal Rodeo (everyone on my blog is kept under pseudonyms. Because i love naming things. I think that's one of the best parts about getting pets.), sends me an IM to keep me aware of whats going on in the glittery world of celebreality, because everyone knows I don't do it on my own. (I seriously found out that Paris was in jail after she was already out. Maybe even for the second time. Or was it third? Haha okay maybe not, i mean c'mon it was even on CNN. =p ) Apparently naked pictures of Vanessa Anne Hudgens have been found floating around on the internet.

At first my thought was, it's probably just a fake. I mean the girl is only 18. Isn't that a little young to have naked pictures of yourself? (To be honest I think any living age is too young to have naked pictures of yourself, but speaking relatively... the girl barely turned legal.)

After those two quick seconds of inquiry, I quickly turned my thoughts away from this matter because it doesn't matter to me. I was kind of left with no opinion, no judgment on it. I liked it like that. That's her business and though it has chosen to involve much of the world with it, I'd rather not disrespect her or myself by delving into a matter that really has nothing to do with me or affect the way I live, or strangely enough, how I even think of Vanessa Hudgens because i've never had a strong opinion on her anyhow.

A few good hours later, I sent a hello AIM to another friend of mine, Hart. By this time I had really put the vanessa scandal behind me, which was easy to do given the little thought i had put into it.

Hart has always been a big fan of "baby v", and just out of conversation's sake, i asked her if she was still a fan. this had nothing to do with the news i had heard a couple hours earlier, because i really had forgotten about it. i was just asking because after watching HSM with two of my friends earlier that day, and then watching about 1/6 of HSM2 via tvlinks, I had decided I was a bigger Ashley Tisdale fan. Hart replied with yeah, she still was a vanessa hudgens fan, and that she felt really bad for her right now. ...Felt really bad for her? Why? Oh. that's right.

And then i remembered. Naked pictures.

I think that was then that it hit me how much it really SUCKED. You think I would have realized when i heard NUDE PICTURES the first time. Wow.
And it was finally, after hearing Hart say that she felt bad for her, that really, finally, gave me something back that i had started to miss without even realizing it. (i should probably tell you what that is now but i'll just let you read on. =p )

I really try to stay somewhat disconnected from that realm (called Hollywood) because i feel, well i feel a lot of ways about it. i don't want to be a puppet, manipulated by tabloids and influenced by lives so separate and surreal from mine and the people and things i REALLY care about. i also, don't want to put myself in a place where i feel it's okay to judge people that in their surrealism, are very real. I realize that by paying attention to tabloids and media and things of that nature, i, or anyone, can easily feel like they have that right to place judgment on these people. for example, i used to really really not like natalie portman. but looking back, what did i have to judge her on? a magazine article? a youtube video? how can anyone condense who they are and what theyve been through into THAT. an interview, a photo, a press conference.

i feel that, if you are a good person, it shouldn't be that hard to portray that anyway. but then again, portraying that you are a good person and portraying who you ARE can be very different. i think i'm digressing.

anyway. let me get back to what i was trying to say.

so, i don't want to put myself in a place where i feel it's okay to judge people that in their surrealism, are very real.

real, but different. they lead a different lifestyle and that's it and that's how i'd like to think of it. even the guy down the street could have a different lifestyle than mine, right? yeah.. but if something terrible were to happen to him, i'd still feel bad for him.

so in my attempt to build walls between me and celebrity, i guess i was forgetting that they were human. was i making them so different that i couldn't allow myself to even sympathize for them anymore?

Finally, last night, i snapped out of it.

And it was for the same reasons that i have attempted to remain oblivious to these tidbits of celebreality, trying to reduce celebrities to the regular people that they are, to not pass judgment on them the same way i wouldn't on you, that i FINALLY realized that its okay to feel something for them, to sympathize, because yes, they ARE regular people, and by regular people i mean human. and just like i would feel upset and sympathetic for you and your sister if nude pictures of her were to pop up all over the internet, i couldn't help but feel that way for vanessa now too.

I owe much of this realization, as i had started to say, to my friend who I am calling on here "Hart". And that's because she really is this big throbbing heart of a person. She said, that she felt really bad for vanessa. and that was like, it was like a lightbulb on my heart went on for vanessa and her incident, instead of the one in my head telling me to just block all that "media crap" out.

I acknowledged my sympathy for vanessa and it felt really good. at the same time, neither Hart nor i could refute that fact that what vanessa had done was wrong. (Vanessa's publicist released a statement saying the pictures were the real deal.)

It was wrong. And a mistake. And i'd like to give vanessa the benefit of the doubt and think that it's something of her past and that she is different now. i know i've made mistakes. nothing like that but, i think we all have something about us in the past that has very little to do with defining who we are now. i do believe that making the mistakes that we make and taking what we can learn from them play a strong part in who we become. but i don't believe that it's the mistakes themselves that define us.

I asked Hart though, not "how could anyone do something so blatantly wrong", but why. because there must have been a reason and i'd really like to understand why.

We have our own theories but in the end Hart and I decided that Vanessa was young, naive, and in the negative influence and of course, the realm of very poor judgment.

And so i sympathize. It was wrong. That's the truth. But i'm not going to call her a slut. Maybe she is. but like i said, i'm not going to judge her on one picture. even though its probably of her being a slut. (i haven't seen the picture i don't want to just out of respect and... decency. lol). But i am going to feel for her. because i'm a human being. and yeah. so is sheeeee.

all hands on deck

is just the name of the webpage i got this picture from:


Johnny Depp has this bracelet that he always wears. You can see it in the picture. It looks like a cheap little thing that probably cost close to nothing to make.
Not true.
Because it's something his kid made for him.
Cheap? No. Au contraire the bracelet is priceless and, less ugly.

And I really want one.


Which I have been wanting for some ample amount of time now. An ugly little bracelet that would stick out like a sore thumb, a possible testament to a bohemian lifestyle full of such discordances (or so I'd like people to think haha!), but in reality just a small but incredibly significant reminder that I'm not alone here. And I would wear with it pride, because whether someone put their whole heart or just two seconds of passive thought into making it, they did it for me.
(I would now like to give a shout out to Rachel Tennant for blessing me last year with not one but two of these, albeit they were not ugly at all. =) Thank you.)


The sad truth, or the beauty of it I guess, (however you choose to look at it) is that the beauty and charm of the bracelet all lies in the gifting, and I guess I should also credit the making of, the item. The significance lies in the "hey, I thought about you," and it changes whatever mismatches, oddities, and awkwardnesses of a string of plastic kiddy beads you never really expected to WEAR into something that you can't wait to put on.

Why did I call this the sad truth?
Simply because sitting on the floor of my friend's game room last night, I decided to make for myself this ugly bracelet that I so coveted, that I so yearned to have nonchalantly dangle from my wrist. It'll still look the same I thought. An ugly plastic beaded bracelet.

And sadly, that was all I had when I was done. An ugly bracelet. If I were to wear this bracelet (which I am now but not for long), I really would have NOTHING to say for myself. In fact it would be my bracelet that would be screaming out, "Hello! My maker has no sense of style, pattern, matching, and her age!"

However. It would be entirely different had my friend made the bracelet for me. Or if it had been anyone of significance. Then the bracelet would be saying, "Look, someone cares about this person, and she cares about them."


And another thing. I can pretty much guarantee that anything someone makes for someone else just WILL NOT be ugly. Not because "it's the thought that counts," but because ... would you really give something to someone thinking that it was ugly? Exactly. These things are unmistakably made beautifully anyway.

But the thought does count. So no worries.

Now please someone, make me a damn bracelet.


and don't you dare forget to wear mine. =)

It's smallness is not petty;

on the contrary, it is profound.
-Jan Morris


August 23rd-2007

"Ok,
so i'm writing this with my journal open vertically, it's spine going horizontally across my lap, with the words going down along the right edge of the page--the ruled lines looking like they go vertically... (do you know what i'm talking about??) --because sometimes i feel like needing to follow the ruled lines in such a situation (basically, in the back of a moving car) would not only be a limitation on my creative expression, but also very inducive to, well, carsickness.

So I (along with my brother, my mother, my father, my friend, my friend's brother, my friend's mother, & my friend's father) have been riding in this car for QUITE some time, making one night stops at quaint motel-hotels, getting up at reasonable (rather early) hours to do it all again while romping around some few good national parks.

You're already bored.
So am I.

I'm not going to talk about the geysers and bison and hot springs and mudpools i've seen. You can look those up on Wikipedia."

What I AM going to tell you, is about those singular experiences that have altogether made this trip (it was a trip not a vacation and i can now tell the difference between the two) a chapter worth jotting down in "The Life & Times of...." (Lo Ling) =p

I will warn you--in fact I already have; I'm not going to talk about the geysers and bison and hot springs and mudpools. Although I might mention the jetskiing. =)


"...I love it when we're cruisin' together"

i love long car rides. i don't know exactly what it is, maybe the temporary release of any responsibility except that of buckling your seatbelt, or the opportunity to see real life reeling across your window like a movie screen--complete with a soundtrack that will either really match or really...not, or because it's another chance to do my favorite...SLEEP, haha, i don't know. but i really love long car rides.

for me, that was the best part of this mini road trip.

but it wasn't because i got to take four hour naps.. because i didn't. (although there were times i wish i could have to escape incessant chatter and whatever the heck they were calling music at the time) (oh.. first thing learned on this trip: silence IS golden.)

it was because ironically enough, it was during those moments of quite limited movement that i felt the most...

well, yeah. that i felt the most. =)


"...lean on me, when you're not strong..."

As simple as it seems, and as corny as i mayyy souuund... it was here during these 4-8 hour car rides that i realized how beautiful it is when the person sitting next to you leans their head on your shoulder. it is a statement of trust, of belonging, and of comfort. that they are comfortable with you, comfortable in your vicinity, comfortable sharing their vicinity, and my favorite, that the physical comfort they must now be experiencing, is a gift directly from you. i have loved it every time someone in this car has leaned on me. yeah. even with my brother's rather coarse southasian microafro brushin' up on my cheek. hey. my shoulder is my gift. and thanks for yours.

i told you i wasn't going to talk about mudpools and bison.


Hand-holding. There was one time when my friend reached out her hand over the pillow in her brother's lap (he was sitting between us), simply just to hold my hand. Just as an act of friendship and reassurance that we were in this together. As we held hands there on that pillow, her brother, Shaan, grabbed our hands with both of his and just pulled them in towards him. and he just kept 'em there. and all our hands were resting together on that pillow. you can't help it then but to feel something. feels good.


Moving on to the less mushy but (i really apologize) maybe equally corny--

car ride sing-a-longs.

I love it. I really loved singing Vanessa Anne Hudgens' part to "Breaking Free" while Shaan did Zac Efron. I even liked getting rebuked by him for rather caustically imitating Miss Hudgens' voice instead of doing my own. (heyitsnotmyfaulthervoicestinks.) =p



"honey you, are a rock, upon which i stand..."

MOVING ON
(but still talking about long car rides...)


I realize they give you (well, for me at least), a discouragingly enough long time to ponder over all the songs that you LACK on your i-pod:

• Love Will Come Through - Travis
• Tiny Dancer - Elton John
• MORE DISNEY
• The Potential Breakup Song - Aly & AJ (DON'T ask)
• Stranger - Hilary Duff (ditto)
• These Small Hours - Rob Thomas
• Upside Down - Jack Johnson
• etc.
• etc.
• etc.

HOWEVER: long car rides also give you plenty of ample time to revel over the songs you DO have on your ipod. I have now come to realize, for probably the 1230855498th time in my life, that

• Jack Johnson and Jason Mraz are saints amongst men.
• Coldplay still takes the words out of my head
• HELLOGOODBYE IS FLIPPING AMAZING

and now

Hellogoodbye: A Tribute.

Hellogoodbye. I love Hellogoodbye. Often times I am very drawn to lyrics that are poetic in their verse and very open to interpretation. Hellogoodbye's lyrics aren't quite so, and that's EXACTLY (one reason) why I like their songs.
Feelings are often tough cookies to handle. That's why even when I write poems sometimes I can't help but kind of pad the truth that i'm trying to reveal, with metaphors and words and even more feelings. It's hard to say, hey, this is what I think and this is what I feel EXACTLY and openly and honestly, and well, bluntly enough. (OF course there is the use of metaphor and literary devices for the sake of art but that's different......................).
What makes Hellogoodbye so endearing to me are lyrics like
"So if you wanna say 'I-I-I like you', I might feel just like you.. And if you choose- choose not to, I knew- knew you would.."
What doesn't get me about that? By stating such an obvious and honest feeling in just that fitting of a way, with hardly the use of imagery, Hellogoodbye still manages to paint as clear and charming a picture as, let's say, when The Cure sang about how "daylight licked me into shape, I must have been asleep for days, and moving lips to breather her name.."
It's really, great.

Another quite endearing aspect of Hellogoodbye's (I feel like i keep saying "Hellogoodbye" lol) music is their given sense of awkward innocence in between almost childlike adolescent and adult romance. "It is love, from the first time i pressed my hands into yours.." There's a lot of talk of holding hands in their lyrics and some portrayal of those early innocent awkward kisses by Forrest Kline (on vocals & guitar) in their video for Here In Your Arms. (Be sure to check out the version done by The Beluga Whale Foundation here.) Those were definitely some awkward kisses.
I think a lot of people in part find mention of those early and innocent romances almost more enjoyable to hear about (and vicariously relive) than the mature sagas of, for example, Akon's "I Wanna F*ck You"... (i can't tell whether i made a joke or not..), because of the truth innocence and "ease" that came with the emotions of that time in our lives. When we were 10. 12. something. young. er.
And with all that honesty and youth, the melodies and lyrics are very well punctuated by this new techno-y throwback synthdance sound that really delivers the sound of the jittery innocent nervousness of "being in love". It does do something to make you feel that young love inside. Kind of makes me feel like love's a party. Whether he/she loves you or not. Like just the fact that love is a celebration. It's kinda neat.

Even better is how even though the reminder of butterflies and handholding bring us back to those days, not all of the songs on the album Zombies! Aliens! and other stuff i can't remember! are stuck that way. Just like people grow in the way they view love and as certain complications arise in some relationships they enter, the tone/sound/and words to the songs grow in the same way. We go from "All of Your Love", to songs like "Homewrecker". You definitely weren't worrying about those when you were twelve.

Ok last but not least I love how each of their songs sound DIFFERENT but still like Hellogoodbye. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers but I'm gonna be honest-- Stadium Arcadium is like one loong song.

Also, I think I may have been in even bigger favor of Hellogoodbye on this trip due to songs like "Two Weeks in Hawaii" and "Call N Return (Say That You're Into Me)" which struck a personal chord with me while on this trip.

Oh and "Figures A & B" matches really well with when you stare out your car window as the car moves 80 mph.



So yeah Hellogoodbye is great. And now I feel like throwing up. So I'll talk about how I totally called it on Justin Bobby, and the other random things I found really fascinating on this trip when I get back from... being carsick.





Ok I'm back from my sickness but I can probably only last long enough to say, long car rides are also really great for discovering GEMS of songs on your iPod that you never knew you had.

Check it out: "My Personal Moon" by Madison Park on the album Boutique.


more tomorrow
peacelate and lots of love. and sleep.


"..the miles of air and road and land that separate me from all my plans, we're havin' havin' havin', havin' fun

but something tells me I miss someone.."